


'And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way.'

by sighingfawn



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Panic Attack, RTX, Rooster Teeth - Freeform, achievement hunter - Freeform, mild swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:32:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1916391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sighingfawn/pseuds/sighingfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Goddammit! Why did she have to fall asleep on the alcoholic?” Gus grumbles from somewhere beside me but the couch shifts despite his protest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> First RT fanfic so I apologise if its terrible. Just a dumb idea that got stuck in my head and turned out longer than I intended, it's also split into chapters bc I think it looks neater that way but it's one long prose.   
> I purposely didn't name the OFC because I didn't want to use my name and not using my own name felt silly.  
> Comments would be lovely and super helpful!

          “So is everybody having a nice RTX?” His voice echoes around the room mixing with the pleased roar of the crowd answering back. It blends together in my head and the tight flutter in my chest gets worse.  
 _Not now._   
I’d felt anxious and jittery for days but had put it down to the excitement of it all happening, of the amount of people that would speak and take pictures and touch me. Of course I would feel anxious. But this was different now, my breath wasn’t coming easy and I could feel the stickiness of my damp palms resting against my thighs. I move forward into the microphone and make some comment that I was sure had nothing to do with the current conversation.   
_Dumb idiot, stupid bitch._  
I rub my palms up and down the side of my skirt and swallow drily, the dull pressure in my chest hollowing out before rising to my face making me even more flustered as I try to keep up with the conversation. I knew not sitting next to Geoff would be a bad idea but in the walk to the stage Ray had started talking to me and I wanted to keep the conversation   
_He felt sorry for you, nobody likes you._  
The crowd laughs and I’m sure that the microphone picks up my startled breath.   
_Get it together, you’re ruining everything._   
I shift in my seat and try to focus on what Gavin is saying but the thumping of my pulse is so loud.   
“And of course she’s not even listening…” The guys and the room laugh again and my head jerks up.   
“What?”   
“We were talking about how hard filming immersion was with that dumb camera.” Burnie prompts.   
“Oh yeah. Like it would start recording and then- just- midway through start adding things.. effects. To everything. Like the... entire footage.” I unconsciously move my hand to check how fast my pulse is beating but catch myself and tangle it in my hair. “Super frustrating.”   
T _hey’re going to hate you more, you’re a stupid waste._   
I slide my phone off the table and hunch over further as I type out a text to Geoff, hoping that his phone isn’t turned off or backstage.   
**Anxiety attack,** I type, **can’t stay on this stage.**  
 **Please please please give me a reason to leave.**  
 **Geoff fuck, please I can’t.**  
A minute passes and I keep glancing at him, hyper aware of how long I haven’t spoke for, of how long I have sat folded in on myself with my phone in my hand.  
I consider just getting up and leaving but the thought of walking past everybody and stumbling and apologising makes my skin crawl with embarrassment.  
 _Just listen, speak, just pretend you’re in the office._  
 _My leg bounces and I press hard against it with my free hand to try and stop it._  
 _Get up._  
 _Listen. Stay calm._  
 _Get the hell up, nobody wants you here. You don’t even want to be here._  
 _Listen. Listen. Listen._  
 _Worthless, idiot. Wasteful. Ruined it. Ruined it. Breathe. Idiot. Baby. Wasteful. Ungrateful. Ruined it. Idiot. Breathe breathe breathe. Tap Ray. Get Ray’s attention now. He’s sweet and will understand, idiot._  
I reach under the table with my phone to nudge Ray’s leg but my phone clatters noisily to the floor between us.   
“And you all think Gavin is clumsy!” Michael yells down the microphone. “She is the clumsiest person I have ever met. Remember when-” He launches into a story that will probably leave me red cheeked when I watch the stream back.  
Ray moves in his chair and leans down next to me. “Are you okay?”  
“No.” I force out while I fumble with the case. “Panic attack. I have panic attacks and-” My voice falters as I finally grasp my phone and I hold it to show him the text I sent Geoff. “I need to go. Please-”  
Ray turns back to his microphone. “Hey, we’re just going to go for a little bit.” Ray smiles at the crowd and the rest of the panel as he wraps his arm around my shoulders and eases me up from my seat.  
Voices from the crowd shout out and groan disappointedly. As he guides me past Geoff I force my phone into his palm and mouth sorry.   
_You made Ray leave, you’ve ruined everybody’s day._   
                                                                                  
          I concentrate only on my feet as he walks us through backstage, a couple of people ask if everything is okay but we just keep walking into he pulls me into a cool empty room.   
“You okay?” He pulls me into a hug before taking a small step back.   
“I just-”   
_In and out, in and out. Slow down. Don’t hyperventilate. In and out._  
 _Focus on everything steady; the walls, floor and ceiling, the building._  
 _You’re okay. You are okay. Safe. Safe. Safe._  
 _In and out. In and out. In and out._  
 _His hand was on your shoulder._  
 _In and out. In and out. In and out._   
The world slowly rights itself as my heart slows down.  
I look at him standing at a small distance away absently messing with his RTX pass, looking worried.  
 _He should be out on that stage, being happy. Not with you, not with this._   
“I’m so sorry.” I bury my face into my hands and start to cry.   
“What for?” He rushes over and pulls me into another hug.   
“I ruined the panel. I’m an idiot. You shouldn’t of left.” I cry into his chest as my fingers scrunching into his t-shirt.  
“Shhh.” He smooths down my hair and squeezes my body tight into his. “What happened?”  
I lift my head from his chest. “I have an anxiety disorder. Geoff and Burnie know because I had to write my medical history down or whatever. I was doing really well…” I take a deep breath and exhale frustratedly. “Now I’ve ruined it.” I press my head back into his chest and close my eyes. “And the panel, and everything else.”  
“You haven’t ruined anything! You can’t help having anxiety.” Ray rests his head on top of mine.  
“I made you leave a panel, there’s no way they’re not going to fire me.”  
“Hey!” He repositions his arms so they’re draped around my waist. “They’re not going to fire you and obody is going to be mad or upset with us for leaving, you mean a lot to all of us and they all would have done the same.” He pauses for a second, like he’s trying to figure out the right words. “You did so well to even come to this event! Everybody gets worried about the amount of fan interaction and changes and for you it must have been so hard to even walk around, but you’ve done three panels!”   
I loosen the grip on his t-shirt. “My brain never lets me think of the good stuff.”   
“You’re okay.” Ray presses a quick light kiss to the top of my head.   
_Friendly. It’s only friendly._  
  


 


	2. Chapter two

“Do you want to go back out?”  
I shake my head quickly. “I’m still a little” my hand sways in the air. “You can go if you want. I’ll just go sit with Barb and Miles.”  
“That sounds cool.” He grabs my hand while pulling out his phone with the other. “I’ll see where they are.”  
Ray keeps hold of my hand as we approach Barbara and Miles who are sitting in the very back of the backstage area.  
 _He’s only being nice to you because you’re sick._  
I don’t know what Ray told them but they don’t mention the panel and our absence. Ray keeps checking his phone and I feel a slight itch of regret at handing Geoff mine.  
“How are you feeling?” Miles asks softly.  
“Better.” I smile reassuringly and glance quickly at Ray. “I’ve had worse panic attacks.”  
Mile’s face brightens and Barbara begins moving her fingers deftly through my hair as she smooths it out.“Do you get them a lot?”  
“Yeah, I have an anxiety disorder but I’m getting better. The doctor lowered my medication.”  
“That’s really good.” She smiles before moving to remove smudges of makeup from under my eyes. “There we go!”  
“Thanks Barb.” I try to give her a quick hug but she keeps her arms around me as she leans her head on my shoulder.  
“I’m glad you’re feeling better. When we heard you and Ray left the panel we didn’t know what was going on.” She whispers. “We thought maybe you finally told him-”  
“What are you going to tell people?” Miles asks forcing us apart.  
“Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.” I look over at Ray again. “What do you think?”  
“The truth. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know that right?”  
I open my mouth to answer when I see the rest of the guys walking towards us, most looking confused while Geoff and Burnie look upset.  
“Are you alright now?” Geoff presses my phone into my hand. “I’m so sorry I didn’t feel my phone vibrate.”  
“What the hell happened?” Michael demands. “You both just up and left! Are you okay?”  
My teeth dig into my bottom lip as I look at all their faces. “I’m fine Geoff. I should have mentioned that I was feeling off.” He rolls his eyes before pulling me from the table I was sitting on and hugging me.  
“I should've checked on you. I just thought because you hadn’t mentioned anything you were okay.”  
“WILL SOMEBODY TELL US WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG?” Michael’s face clouds over and have to cover my mouth to stop myself from laughing.  
“It’s just personal stuff.” Burnie pulls me into a hug the second Geoff lets me go. “Sorry for not checking up with you. It won’t happen again.”  
“I should’ve said.” I pull away and turn back to face the guys. “It’s nothing serious, I have an anxiety disorder and-” I stumble over my words and Ray stands beside me, slotting his hand in mine.  
“You had a panic attack?” Michael prompts with a soft look in his eyes.  
“Yeah… I have them sometimes.” I look down at my feet. “I’m sorry that I ruined the panel.”  
“No. No. No!” Gavin throws his arms up wildly. “You didn’t ruin it! Everybody missed you but they’re going to understand! They love you.” His smile is so bright and genuine that the sick guilty feeling starts to lift.  
“But… I made Ray-”  
“Oh, nobody missed Ray.” Jack mutters and Ryan nods in agreement.  
“All that matters is that you’re okay now.” Geoff says.  
“Yeah.” I glance down at Ray’s hand in mine and feel my cheeks go red as Ryan catches my eye and raises his eyebrows.  
“Is it still bevs in your room?” Gavin asks Miles who nods as he stands up. Gavin cheers and throws his arms around Miles and Burnie as he starts pulling them towards the exit. The group follows, animatedly talking about the panel to Barbara while I gently tug on Ray’s hand to stop him from walking with the rest of the group.  
“Thanks for leaving with me Ray. It was really sweet of you.”  
“No problem.” He shrugs his shoulders and grins. “Feel up for going to Miles’s room?”  
“Yeah. I won’t drink but it’ll be nice to sit with everybody for a little.”  
“Sweet!” He shouts excitedly. “I won’t be the only sober one there!” I laugh as he loosens his grip on my hand but I catch it again.  
“Do you.. Just while we walk through the convention centre?”  
 _Is he blushing? Of course not. Idiot. It’s only you. You’re desperate._  
“Of course.” He adjusts his hand and we talk about our favourite cosplays of the convention. The hall is busy but significantly emptier than it had been this morning.  
“Was that panel the last one today?”  
Ray nods as he weaves us through the thinning crowd. A few people stop and smile at us but mostly we pass unnoticed until a guy stops in front of us with an angry snarl on his face.  
“Hey. Why did you leave the panel?” His voice is so loud and demanding that I flinch.  
“Dude, she’s really not up for this.” Ray moves me so that he is slightly in front of me.  
“As a fan, a paying fan, I think I have the right to know.”  
“You don’t have a right to know anything!” Ray rolls his eyes and takes a step forward to try to make the fan move back but the guy doesn’t move.  
“Why did you leave? Was it because you’re dating?” The guy points to our hands and a strange satisfied look passes across his face. “That’s it, isn’t it? You wanted to go fuck or something. What a let down.”  
“Asshole, I have panic attacks.” The words fly out of my mouth. “Because of people, not fans, like you who have no sense of personal space or respect.”  
The guy’s mouth opens and closes as he tries to think of something to say. “You’re lying.”  
“Yeah. I actually have panic attacks because I have an anxiety disorder but dicks like you certainly don’t help.” I walk around the fan and only breathe when we get outside onto the street.  
“Holy hell.” I turn into Ray and press myself into his chest.  
 _Feels like home._  
“That was really cool.” Ray lifts my head up to meet his eyes.  
“I was so rude!” I laugh as my cheeks flush red.  
“He was being a jerk.”  
“Thanks for defending me.” I smile gratefully.  
“You need to stop thanking me! Anybody would have-”  
“It was you that did it though.” I lean forward on my toes and press a firm kiss to his cheek. “You’re my hero!” I clap my hands together and pretend to swoon as Ray laughs with red cheeks.  
“Come on.” He grabs my hand again and leads me in the direction of the hotel.


	3. Chapter three

 Everybody was sprawled out in Miles’s hotel room by the time we arrived but the mood was relaxed, with multiple consoles set up and many people lazing on their computers or phones.   
Geoff called me over before anybody else could talk to me. “Are you okay for panels and signings tomorrow? We can change it if you don’t feel comfortable.”   
“I’ll be fine.” I curl my legs up and wrap my arms around them. “I’ll make sure to tell you if I’m not.”   
“Good.” He looks at me for a moment before he turns back to watch Gavin and Jack play an indie game that Ray challenged them to play. “You can lean on me if you want to sleep.”  
“I was going to anyway.” I laugh as I burrow into his shoulder and close my eyes.

I wake up disoriented as my eyes adjust to the darkened room. I feel denim on my cheek and I drowsily try to remember where I am.  
 _RTX. Panic attack, Miles’s hotel room, fell asleep on Geoff. Right._    
“Can I get another Jack and coke?” Geoff says from above me.  
“Goddammit! Why did she have to fall asleep on the alcoholic?” Gus grumbles from somewhere beside me but the couch shifts despite his protest.   
“I could get use to people bringing me drinks on command.”   
“The second she wakes up you can get your own damn drinks.”   
“She had a hard day.”  
“It’s been two hours!”  
“And she’ll sleep for as long as she needs to!”  _Ray._    
“Thanks Gus.”   
“Has she said anything online about why she left?”  
“Not yet, I don’t think she knows what to say. She told some jerk fan off when we were walking through the convention centre.”   
“What happened?”  
“He kept going on about how he had a right to know why we left and in the end she called him a dick and said she had a panic attack.”  
“I said it better than that, idiot.” I push myself up from Geoff lap and look around the room with blurry eyes.   
“How are you feeling?” Ryan asks.  
“Like hell. I’m tired.” I stretch my arms above my head before smoothing my hair.   
“You slept for two hours!” Gus almost yells. “I had to keep getting this fucker drinks!”  
I cover my hand with my mouth to hide my laughter. “Sorry.”   
My eyes finally adjust completely to the dim room and I look around for Ray, watching as he points to something on Burnie’s DS screen while he furiously mashes buttons.   
“You should tell him.” Gus says as he sits beside me.   
“Really.” Geoff agrees.   
“He was only being nice because…” I trail off, my cheeks flushing red.  
Gus presses. “Because what?”   
“I was sick. I practically pulled him out with me.” I whisper.   
“You idiot!” Geoff laughs loudly and Gavin, who was still sprawled on the floor playing the indie game, turned around furiously.   
“I didn’t do anything!”   
“It wasn’t at you, idiot!” Geoff runs a hand over his face. “Jesus.”  
“Oh.” Gavin shrugged and turned back to the game, groaning as he watched his character die.   
“There was a reason he sat next to you at panel. And the signing. And why he held your hand and left with you.”   
 _Click. Oh. Oh. You idiot._    
“I’m a dick.” I bury my face into my hands.   
“Yeah. You are.”   
“What should I do?”  
“Tell him.” Gus says firmly.   
“Right now?” I look over at Ray again as he laughs while Burnie groans in frustration.   
“You spend so much of your life worrying and doubting yourself. You are good enough and smart enough and everything else that you think you’re not. Burnie wouldn't of hired you if you weren't good."  
I wipe at my damp eyes.  
Geoff smiles at Gus before looking back at me. "Ray's a smart kid, if he likes you it's because you're something that you can't see. So go kiss him before Gus does!” Geoff places his hand on my back and pushes me to my feet. I walk over to him and when I say his name he turns to face me, his eyes bright and hopeful.  
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down to kiss me.   
 _For every missed class and day of work. For every broken promise. For every unanswered text and missed call. For every mean thought. For every panic attack and shaking hands and stumbled answer. For every pill swallowed, and thrown back up in worry. Every sleepless night and meal missed and gnawing stomach. I owe myself something good._     
We pull away to a chorus of ‘finally!’ and ‘called it!’ as his hands rest on my lower back and press me closer.

“Yeah. Finally.”

 

 


End file.
